So that was that...

The weather has come out for us in fine form - I do not have time to update fully so here are a  few photos...

I hope you all had an amazing Christmas with your family and friends - bring on 2011!

XX

10 things before bed...

1.  Home truely is where the heart is...and my heart is here.
2.  Not looking foward to 7 hours of driving tomorrow to Wairoa/Mahia.
3. I love my mummy.
4. Had a great day out shopping with Miss Natalie.
5. I am excited to see Rory tomorrow...
6. 3 more sleeps till Santa.
7. Is Cairns a real place?  Because it all feels like a strange dream.
8. I am loving the snugs from one Miss Voodoo and one Miss Abby.
9. I am thirsty.
10. I am also kind of hungry...

mmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmm...

It is beginning to feel a lot like Christmas...

Only three more sleeps, so excited!

Spent all day today cleaning - packed - well mostly.  Will just have a few things on the day.  Booked Rory in for a haircut (win!) - make it to Aqua Thursday and this morning which was great.  Went to the Esplanade Markets and got the last of the xmas shopping done.

Rory came home for the night last night - he left again this morning to Malanda to clean up the workshop for a few days - will be home Monday I think (I hope, we fly on Tuesday!)

Have my work Xmas Dinner up in Palm Cove on Monday night - so tomorrow will be my slowest day!  I have never wanted to wish a weekend away and make it go faster - but this is the one and only...time can slow down after that...

Off for another swim - 34 degrees is too hot to be inside...

I am not going to lie to others and prentend that everything is great on days that it is not. 

I am not going to lie to myself and pretend that everything is great on days that it is not.

I WILL make every effort to be positive when I am feeling positive and happy.

But in truth, nobody has a  life is like that, and I see no need to hide the bullshit and only express the happy.

Because that is a lie.

I am entitied to express when I am happy, sad, angry, hyper, tired, bored, irritated...you may choose to acknowledge it it, or choose to ignore it.

Since SOME people that like to call themselves my friends never bother to ask me how I am, when for the most part of the past 6 months I have been alone, with nobody to talk to or vent to, to have coffee with or to simply hash shit out...I need an outlet...I have chosen it.

If it irritates you, I make no apologies.

Maybe time to make some real life culls.

This shit is hard enough as it is, I am supporting my partner this time - he has done it for me and now it is my turn.  I never said this would be easy, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

It works both ways, TWO people make a relationship work.  Not just one owner.

Some fairly amazing people have shown me their true colours in the past 6 months.

Thankyou.

Oh, and FYI - the information is for the benefit of my parents and friends who bother to check in and see how I am.  But mostly for my mother, because she gives a shit and knows that I have not been coping.

And it is cheaper than txting across the ocean.

6 sleeps.

This week has been a shit.

Through and through.  I still have so much to do before we fly - and tomorrow is Thursday.  But I am concentrating on the positive things and the beautiful things.  Like seeing my Mummy and Daddy, my Nana and My Lori, Titan and Baby Ethan, Emma Pemma...and these two beautiful beings who have taught me more than my 26 years ever have...

Even over the phone they make me smile - and they give the best squeezy hugs...

xx

Sad Panda...

Goodbye Beautiful Feather Babies

You have been very much missed the last 6 months but you are going to be missed forever now.

Bubble and Toby you were the best - Zara will miss you too.

Weakend.

Finally -  a day where at 6pm I am comfortable exhausted enough to feel like going to bed at 9am will be successful.

Saturday sucked, Rory and I were going to head up to Lake Eacham and have a swim in the crater lake and then have dinner with Rorys Uncle up there.

Rory, being Rory managed to hit a pothole at the bottom of the Gillies Ranges doing about 100km.  Check tyres - no damage.  About 20min later and halfway up the winding Gillies the engine light comes on and the temperature gauge is redlining.

Crap.

Pull over, turn car off - can literally hear the water boiling in the Radiator.  Cracked Radiator?  Fuck.  Spend 40min sitting on the side of the road in the middle of the Rainforest with no reception.  Car cools down enough to empty any water we have into it.  Nothing is leaking.  Not a cracked Radiator?  Now what. 

This whole time every Tom, Dick, Harry and his Dog have driven past and NOBODY has even slowed down to ask if we need help.

Young couple drive past heading down the Gillies in a Rental Car.  A few min later they appear behind us on the side of the Road.  They give us all the water they have (on a 36 degree day) and ask if we need a lift out of the Ranges to get cellphone reception.  We decline as we were only about 3km from the top and from reception and more water.

Get talking a little - and lo and behold - they are two Kiwis from Auckland on holiday sussing out if to move to Cairns or not for a job.

Typical - at least 100 cars drove past us in that 40 min, all Australian (Cairns Locals more than likely) and two tourists in a Rental Car have the kindness to come and help us.  And to do this they needed to do a U-Turn on a dangerous and narrow foreign road.

Once again proof of the difference between Australians and Kiwis - reason #1244 why Australians Suck and reason #472936 why I am proud to be a New Zealander.

Thankfully Rorys Uncle is a Mechanic and we made it to him.  Turns out Rory slammed into that pothole so hard he managed to crack the brackets holding the Reserve Tank in and split the Tank.  A little Kiwi ingenuity and an H2GO bottle got us and the car home safe and sound, 1/2 a day on the phone got me a excellent condition replacement part for $44.

On an upside - got a callback for a job today - and they are sweet with me starting late January.

Oh, and 8 more sleep.

WIN!

Kittehs!!!!

Moss just skyped - Cat (which is actually the name of his Cat) had kittens about 4 weeks ago...

This is one of them...

‎4 Gorgeous Kittens needing a new home - 3 Female, 2 Black and 1 Black and White and 1 Black Boy - free to good homes...


If you know of anyone looking to have a cat, please let me know...If they are not homed in 2 weeks I will be having to take them to the SPCA when we get back to NZ...

HELLO DECEMBER!!!!

Good golly gosh, where did the last 12 months go!  Let alone the last 6 months - yes - that is how long we have been in Cairns now.

I am not onto the home stretch of the countdown - single digits and 9 sleeps to go.  No words can explain the excitement I am feeling about going home for 5 weeks.  At 1pm today the temperature was sitting at 35 degrees and steadily rising.  I swear when I go outside I can feel the air moisture on my tongue.  The water is not longer refreshing to swim in - Aqua Aerobics is becoming painful as it is like doing Aerobics at Miranda Hotpools and I can no longer go out for walks down the Esplanade as it actually makes me nauseous.  I am looking forward to long walks with Dad in the evenings when I am home.

Been doing a little bit of shopping.  No, that is a blatant lie.  I have been doing far too much shopping - but having dropped a size (two in some brands) is very exciting and I can wear things now I have not been able to wear before (well I have been able to wear but not felt good about them).  All summer stuff - and considering I live in perpetual summer now I don't feel SO bad.

I was bored the other night and I straightened Rory's hair...

to the best of the ability that my poor hair straighteners would allow! Suffice to say the are now broken - no shit - they are broken. The spat numerous sparks at me and went bang and smelt very suspicious. I booked the boy in for a haircut next week before we head back to NZ - to get rid of this gingy shit at the back of his hair - the result of not dying his hair anymore and spend hours in the blazing sun and a headfull of dust.

1 more week of work - mixed in with packing, getting a new reserve tank for the radiator on the car, organising bill payments for when we are away and cleaning the house.

But for now, it is time to cook some dinner.

Oh, and on that note - I am 300g away from my first goal of 10kg.

WIN!

xx

...

Then or now - I would tap this.  Twice.

Dam.

Sigh...

The countdown has begun, 3 weeks and counting...

Today has felt like a very sad day and I have been wearing heavy boots.  I had so much fun with Cerise and Shaela last week, it was over all too quickly - but it has also made me realise just how lonely I am over here.

I miss people I never thought I would miss, and do not miss people that I thought I would.

I guess it has shown me the true colours of a number of people in my life since I have been here, it is good and bad.  It makes my heart hurt.

But those people who know who they are, know how excited I am to come and home and see them.

Got the rest of my xmas shopping done today - no more all done - YEY!

Now that I figured out what to get the boy for xmas I now have to figure out what to get him for his Birthday!

Too many bloody Nov - March Birthdays in my life!!

Rory left again this morning, I will only see him once more before we leave for NZ and probably only for a day or two if I am lucky.

Dammit, I just noticed his boots sitting outside.

Shit.

Here are some photos from last week...

Detoxing this week, at least it will keep me busy!!!!

If you are too school for cool...

Where was this song 10 years ago when my 15 year-old-self needed it the most...



Still better late than never for all the freaks, geeks and underdogs...

Squeeeeee...

Getting excited!!!!

5 hours to go!

I cannot sleep so I am perving...

1/2 a sleep to go!  Counting down the hours not and not the days!  Cannot wait!

Heading out to Green Island on the Reef on Wednesday and markets/swimming/bbq'ing for the rest of the time...

Spend WAY too much money this weekend...not cool.  Feeling very guilty...but got some more xmas shopping out of the way.

I need to vacuum now, and then mop.  Lame.

But this picture is not...

An Orca going for a Surf.  Another reason why NZ rules.

I love this girl...

GLBT...Stand Up Against Hate.

If you have not looked into this campaign - please do it...now.

It is quite frankly, just beautiful.



When will New Zealand stand up and be held accountable?

Nawwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Okay - so.  Apparantly I was wrong - well no..not wrong but you know....

They are still bats - but apparantly that Bats around here look more like this...

And they eat fruit - they do not suck blood - or whatever other horrific things I was thinking...

I almost want to hug this guy...

X _ X

I feel like I am missing out so many things - things that I feel really do matter to me.

Am I doing the right thing?

The boy is doing to very well - he has been given a promotion, a pay rise and an xmas bonus.

But does it pay off on missing out on the things I love?

When will it be my turn?

Have I already had my turn?

Reflection

It is stupidly hot and I cannot sleep.  It is midnight and all I can think about is 12 months ago to the day.

You came back.  Why did you have to come back?  It is funny, because you are back there now, where you were.  Why can you not just stay there and leave well enough alone.

Stop hurting people, those who love you - you claim you love them.  Why won't you set them free?  Because you are too selfish, and those you claim to love are your bargaining tools.

I know you claim you love those who love you, but I think your opinion of love is very different..and very warped.

You were right when you left, and I was wrong.  Those you claim to love are better off without you - I should not have tried to reason with you, should not have tried to make you stay.  You really were right all along.

But you came back - and now it is 12 months later.  To the day, and it is all I have thought of all day.  I think I am the only one who remambers the day.  It hurts me, my heart hurts.  For me, for him, for her, for them....for you and for what will be.

I know what will be, and it give me knots in my stomach - because I remember, I remember and it gives me nightmares, and I wake up in panics.  Thinking, feeling, hearing, smelling.  Remembering.

Those you claim to love will know the truth one day - they deserve to.  They need to know.  The past 365 days - have - I cannot put into words.  The damage those days have done, what you have done to yourself.

It is true, history does repeat.  But I am going to make damned sure it stops here, this fucked up narcissistic cycle will stop here.

I will always love you - but I will never again like you.  I cannot.

I know you hate the word -  but I am disappointed.  He is, she is, they are, we are.

What happened?

"You do not wake up one morning a bad person. It happens by a thousand tiny surrenders of self-respect to self-interest." - Jay Herself

Washing, I hate folding it.

Matchstick Eyes...

This week was balls, going to write it off and prentend it never happened.

4 more sleeps until I see Hayley

10 more sleeps until I see Cerise & Shaela

39 sleeps until I see Auckland and my Mummy and all my friends (if I have any left).

I would count the sleeps until Christmas, but I am 25 - Fuck Christmas.

Oh, and Reason #1783 why Australia sucks - they don't do Guy Fawkes.  No fireworks, no fun.  Australia you suck the back end of a Kangaroo.

Totally do not get to see anything pretty like this...

Or even expose myself to the potential burns from these...

No Fireworks, anywhere.

I guess the animals won't be scared.

I feel cheated.

Nananananananananananananananana...

Had a rad Zumba session tonight with Lisa - it was mad fun and we laughed alot.

My arse is going to hurt tomorrow...

Driving home tonight...I realised that the birds that come out at night to fly around the treetops - are not birds at all...

Not quite sure how I missed this - I mean you know BAT WINGS and all.

My skin is crawling...

She's thinking how did I get here, and wondering why...

My heart aches for Poor Lily.  I cired reading this and it has left a very sad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Any miscarriage is tragic - but at 6 months...

Cunt...

This is a word that I am rather partial to.  I like it because it gets across exactly how I feel about it, it rolls off the tounge rather nice - and it seems to get people up in arms.

But why?

Why in New Zealand is the word CUNT offensive but, so many people find the likes of racism highly amusing - and socially acceptable?

Cunt - the slang word for Vagina.  I am a female, I have a vagina - I do not find CUNT offensive, but many people do - because they believe that when used in context calling someone a CUNT in turn means that a vagina is a bad thing.

Ok, fair call.

But then WHY is it socially acceptable to call someone a Dick, Ballbags, Wanker, Cock etc - all these slang words for Penis are socially acceptable, cause little to no offense and are often laughed at - even though the word CUNT is used in the same way.

Really, is does less justice to the vagina - by keeping it down and saying it is a bad thing - and making light of the Penis and saying it is a good thing.

CUNT, it is so incredibly expressive - there is no beating it around the bush.

Now - for your viewing pleasure -

I brazillian wax poetic so hypothetically...

I dislike having to think of titles for my blahs...

Tired as balls - did not get home until 3 this morning.  Event went well, my back is killing me though!!

Starting Detox again tomorrow, keen as.

14 sleeps until Cerise and Shaela arrive!

Bedtime now.

x

Boots...

He just left - again.  Feeling incredibly lonely now.

It has been some time...

Rory came home on Tuesday night and I have had a couple of events on this week - one of them was an illusion theme...was for a local coffee roasting company - their Conference Gala Dinner.  Was hanging out for coffee though the whole set-up though - it smelt sooooo good.

While we were setting up I got a call to say that Rory was on a plane heading back to Cairns - totally made my night.

Have lots of sewing to start from tomorrow onwards - overlays and theming, chair bands and costumes.  Busy Busy! It is great as my hours are getting bumped up.  Have this theme sold again next weekend but for 200pax and a Swingers Party to be themed!  Gloves for packdown I am thinking!  There are always those parts to every job - the ones that nobody likes to do!  I do not mind doing the filing.

Was a pretty full on week with work but got some spend some pretty decent time with the boy.  We went up to Palm Cove on Friday for lunch and has this amazing Balanise Salad, hung out and drank a bottle a Red with Lisa on Friday night and went shopping with her, for her on Saturday and then Saturday night Rory and I went down to the Esplanade and walked along the boardwalk, hung out in the kids pool, ate some chips on the beach  and then came home for a swim.

He leaves again this afternoon.  Mum and dad leave for New York in a couple of weeks, I am hoping they had a rad time and bring me back bagsfulls of M.A.C bigger than my head.  Had a talk to Michelle this afternoong and she sent me an audioclip of Miss Avalon singing her ABC's.  I have listening to it about 100 times now and it totally pulls on my heart strings.  I miss those beautiful girls so much!  Only 21 sleeps until Cerise and Shaela arrive!  Cannot wait!  We are going to have so much fun!  Time for dinner cooking now and then an early night.

Cairns has given us all a bit of a reprive from the heat these last few days - so might just sneak another swim in while it feels at least a tad normal...                                 xxxxxxxxxxxx

Counting Sheep

I am really hoping that Rory comes home today - I am exhausted and really need a good nights sleep.  And and early night at that.

10 Things...

1. 1.2kg loss this week, taking me to 7kg lost.

2. I miss Rory so very bad it hurts.

3. I kinda got drunk.  Whoops.  Got home at 4am.

4. 30 sleeps until Cerise and Shaela arrive.

5. Brought a new webcam.

6. Totally hooked on Glee Season 1.  Watching it back to back.

7. Due to above infatuation I am now totally crushing on Mark Salling.  There is only one reason I would push him out of bed, and this is to do him in the floor. 

8. Shopping around to get another tattoo done, need to find a new artist in FNQ.

9. I made a friend.

10. 8 weeks till we go home - screw Christmas, I just want to hug my mummy.

I can has?

and last but not least...

I could go on forever...thanks for the LOLS LOLCats.